the best man

18 November 2006, Saturday, was the date of the customary wedding and wedding banquet for Irwin and Gigi.

We started bright and early, went through the overwhelming (and disgusting) obstacles put in place by Gigi's bridesmaids, and discovered, to our horror, that the bridal bouquet had been left behind at Irwin's place. So that cost him quite a fair bit of extra money.

Then it was a looong drive up to Sembawang, and an even longer drive back to Tanglin. For some strange reason, the driver of the bridal car decided to take an extremely convoluted and zig-zagged route back to Tanglin, and in a very haphazard manner, but we stuck to our guns and managed to stay right behind them for most of the journey, except for a brief period in Ang Mo Kio when they left us behind at a red-light after zooming through the amber.

The banquet was fabulous. Very grand, and with a nifty "live-photo" booth, where they instantly printed out the photos taken so the guests could bring them home. And not forgetting the star-studded guest list, including the likes of our DPM, Mr Wong Kan Seng, Dr Lily Neo, Mr Yeo Cheow Tong, Mr Lee Hsien Yang, Mr Kwek Leng Beng, etc etc. Pictures shall be posted in due course when they're ready.

And so of course I was a huge bundle of nerves throughout the night, as I had to present the best man's speech to this very distinguished audience. I think the contents of the speech were fine, but the delivery could have done with some improvement. Guess the nerves of the occasion outweighed even the nerves in Court. Sigh. :(

For posterity, here's the text of my best man's speech:

"Distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen, good evening. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Peter.

I've known Irwin for almost 17 years, and so when Irwin asked me to be his best man I was of course initially very thrilled at the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of excitement to turn into extreme nervousness, firstly because I had to tell Tom Cruise I can't make it for his wedding today, and secondly as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. My client was found guilty and sentenced to jail for 3 months.

So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last audience was.

I have never been a best man before so lacking any experience I thought that the simplest way to put a speech together was to get one from the Internet, I looked at hundreds of ready-made speeches only to discover that 95% of them always start with the same joke. That being the best man is like dying for your country - it's a great honour - but nobody wants to do it - so I thought I wouldn't use that one.

Actually, being the best man is a big responsibility, and one that I have not taken lightly. I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn't forget anything, and came up with a checklist of what my basic duties should be:

Item 1 - Arranging the Stag Night

The less said about this the better, but I think you can all imagine that Irwin does look rather attractive in a pink lacy skirt.

Item 2 - On the wedding day, bring a credit card and loads of cash in case there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for.

Well, ever since I have known Irwin, I have had to do this so that's nothing new.

Item 3 - Help the groom dress himself.

It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade Irwin that Gigi wouldn’t marry him if he wore his favourite Mickey Mouse tie and his Superman cape tonight.

Item 4 - Ensure that the groom is sober, punctual, has his shoelaces tied, his fly done up and uses the toilet before marching into the ballroom - I knew I had forgotten something, Irwin you may go to the toilet now.

Item 5 - It is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order.

I think that this duty is quite unfair, if God couldn't do it the first time what chance to I have?

The rules also stated that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell you all about his good points.
So what can I say about him.
He's Handsome...Witty....Intelligent....Charming....
Er..Er...Sorry Irwin, what's this, I can't read your writing. Oh, yeah and very lean and muscular - sorry.

So it is supposedly customary at this point for the best man to launch into a severe character assassination of the groom and to tell you a bit about the stag night, but I am far too scared of Gigi to do that so I will instead give Irwin some advice, which I hope he will find useful in the years to come:

Irwin:-
1. There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering, torturing and enduring.

2. Always tell your wife those 3 important little word's . "you're right dear".

3. Communication is very important. One of my friends hardly spoke to his wife for two years after the wedding. It wasn't because he stopped loving her. It's just that he thought it was rude to interrupt.

Now, it gives me great pleasure (and immense relief) to hand over the mike to the lovely Maid of Honour, Kimberly, who will undoubtedly guard Gigi’s secrets much better than I have guarded Irwin’s tonight. But before I do that, I just want to offer my very best wishes to Irwin and Gigi, and may your years ahead prosper with love, affection, health, happiness, and of course, many many children.

Thank you."

My best wishes to Irwin and Gigi. Cheers.